PRESENTING YOURSELF WITH CONFIDENCE

CONFIDENCE – WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO YOU?

Why is it that some people seem to be effortlessly confident? They seem so relaxed, not reactive to stress but calmly and energetically assessing risk and taking appropriate action, keeping things in proportion, laughing at themselves and seeming to be unafraid of others laughing at them, simply knowing what’s right, unafraid of making mistakes: a natural leader, thoughtful and adult, assertive and honest.

Sometimes it gets to a point where you look at yourself and think: why have I not had the easy success that those other people have had? I’m just as clever, talented, knowledgeable, fair... and yet somehow I haven’t been rewarded for my qualities like other people have. And you think - I need to be more confident. Maybe that’s it.

Many employees are lucky to have had a lot of money spent on developing their 'soft skills’. And you can be sure that if your employer is investing in you in that way, it must be because they know it will improve the bottom line and help fill the company’s coffers. In the meantime the (probably!) fortunate employee is getting quality feedback on their impact on others. However if you haven’t worked for an employer who makes that type of investment then you may never have received focussed insights on what it is that makes you most likely to be successful and happy in yourself and in your work. Perhaps the training you’ve had has all been technical or perhaps you are a freelancer or maybe you work in an industry where you are left to sink or swim. This can mean that you are left bemused as to why certain relationships are easy and some are difficult, why some levels of success seem to be mysteriously denied you and why you find some situations consistently confusing and challenging. Sometimes you feel you have to take personal responsibility for your development and it is hard to know where to look and where to start.

20 years ago I started working as a professional business roleplayer. I was lucky enough to sit and watch training presentations given by skilled facilitators as

part of complex programmes paid for by some of the most successful businesses in the world. I learned how to make good use of the most compelling psychological models favoured by the business world. As my work in that field grew, I had the opportunity to put those lessons into practise over and over again in the practical coaching sessions that I now facilitate and design myself.

Hindsight being a wonderful thing, I look back now on my earlier career in the entertainment business and remember how I was when I first left university. When I entered the job market I simply felt my way forwards in a random yet energetic way, based on what I had learned from my family, education, environment and all the other jobs I had done up to that point. I had very little conscious knowledge of how to influence others to get the work I really wanted. I thought that if I worked hard, was conscientious and creative and positive, professional and responsible, I would get my reward. I wistfully ponder now on how much I might have achieved had I had some (or any) of the type of attention to my influencing skills that the people I work with in the business world have had. Instead, I lurched in a well-meaning fog from one opportunity to the next, sometimes totally missing the point and gradually realising that I was under a ceiling and I couldn’t work out why I wasn’t getting to the next floor.

And I’m not the only one: some of my clients have told me that they reached retirement before they focused on their communication skills in any meaningful way. Approaching a coach, like me or my business partner Ian, for help with, for example, a wedding speech or to prepare a talk for their favourite charity will have stimulated a wealth of hindsight about their own path through life: ‘If only I had done this sooner’, they say.

It's very hard to unravel the reasons for a lack of confidence on your own. In the work that I and Ian now do with our own company, Xperient, our passion is to help people to have 'lightbulb moments' about what moves them forward or holds them back.

Although recently I have worked more with private individuals who want to improve their self-awareness, in the beginning of my career as a roleplayer I had only worked with people within the construct of a training event. As I said earlier, I realised quickly how much the bottom line influenced the investment: although my job was to keep an eye on the ‘learning objectives’, I knew that the main objective was to use the personal development of the employee as a means to a financial end. Fortunate though these employees are to have had that much attention, I have always enjoyed working with people who don’t have this opportunity or who want to examine their personal impact away from the scrutiny of their employer. This is an ambition that I share with my business partner at Xperient, Ian Sanders, and both of us have been following a path of offering one-to-one coaching to individuals away from the work environment. The theme that comes up in these sessions again and again is ‘confidence’. From nervous young unemployed men to women who don’t understood why they haven’t been promoted, lifelong housewives who want to move into a profession, proud parents who want to make a wedding speech, applicants for University or Drama School, all of our clients have wanted to have a better understanding of their own impact on others and increase their assertiveness, confidence and presentation skills. Through the practical exercises that we do, we unlock fundamental concerns and have seen robust change. It is exhilarating and humbling.

What to do to unlock this change is not always easy or obvious to identify, as the barriers to confidence can be buried deep. Some of our clients have anxieties and attitudes that they may have never before expressed and they don’t know how to handle them. Issues that come up include: fear of what others might think of them, wanting to keep everybody happy, wanting to do it perfectly or not bother doing it at all; perhaps they have unconscious biases that lead to assumptions and judgements, a fixed perspective or opinion that lacks a more open-minded attitude, an unwillingness to try new things possibly routed in a fear of change; or personality traits e.g. ‘too

introvert’ or ‘too extravert’; a feeling of low self esteem or an arrogance; a tendency to allow emotions to take over or a tendency to be driven only by logic without considering human elements; a deep rooted parental message that has formed how we should behave in life or think about certain people and situations; a lack of self awareness, little analysis or curiosity about why we have made the choices we have....it goes on and on. It can be summed up as an attitude or mindset that affects the behaviours that are visible to others. So, ultimately the main barrier to progression or feeling confident is - yourself. In order to survive and protect, we build a wall around ourselves made of thoughts and feelings that can be very negative.

The strength of our behavioural coaching lies in the many, creative ways we help our clients to have a real experience, bespoke to their situation, in a safe environment. This can be a ‘realplay’ where we recreate a meeting with a person that they find challenging or explore different ways of approaching a difficult conversation that is looming. We have a book of practical exercises that we have created over the years which we can call upon to cover most situations. In doing a practical, experiential exercise we create an opportunity for insight based on feedback that is utterly credible and undeniable. Helpful changes in behaviour are much more likely to occur when based on a real experience – that is, not just someone else’s ‘expert’ opinion or theory. And with a practical approach like this we can approach with kindness, a sense of proportion and a lot of patience.

We both feel inspired to help people to achieve the easy confidence that makes life more rewarding. Our next venture is a regular one-day training course with a high ratio of trainer to participant. We invite people from all walks of life to come along and share a day focussing on that elusive, common question of: Confidence. What does it mean to you? Everyone is unique. We are looking forward to unravelling the puzzle that makes you who you are and helping you to fill in the missing pieces